Spiritual Intimacy

Rev. Peter A. Friedrichs

January 25, 2009

A couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending a dinner party at the home of two of our members. It was one of the dinners offered through our annual service auction, a Mediterranean Feast prepared by Mary Clinton and Mary Beth Hoffman. Amidst the mousakka and before the baklava, the folks gathered around the dining room table took turns telling their stories of how they first came to join a Unitarian Universalist congregation. For some, UUCDC was the only spiritual home they have ever known, while others discovered Unitarian Universalism in other churches across the country. To a person, every story was fascinating and unique. While one of us was a "birthright UU," born and raised in our faith, most of us were "transplants" from other religions. Many of us were raised in Catholic households, and some were not raised in any faith tradition at all. In that way, the gathering around the Clintons' dining room table that evening was a microcosm of our movement as a whole.

I've done this before, but it's been a while, so let's take a quick poll of those here today. Please raise your hand if:

• You were raised in a family that attended a Catholic church.
• You were raised in a family that attended a Protestant or other Christian church.
• You were raised without any formal religious affiliation
• You left the religion of your family of origin and tried out other faiths before you came to Unitarian Universalism.
• You were born and raised a Unitarian Universalist.

As I said, the folks around the dinner table that night really represented the composition of our faith as a whole. We show a tremendous amount of diversity in our faith stories, and that is one of the many things that enriches us as a movement.

But amidst the variety of our individual journeys, several common themes emerged when it came to discussing the motivation behind our search, the explanation of what led us and drove us to seeking out, and staying with, a Unitarian Universalist congregation. There were basically three common threads that we were pulling on that night. Let me try them out here and see if they fit.

Please raise your hand if:

• You came to a Unitarian Universalist church so that your children would be raised with a faith orientation and strong ethical teachings.
• You came to a Unitarian Universalist church looking for a community and a sense of belonging.
• You came to a Unitarian Universalist church because you were longing for a place to explore difficult questions and to deepen your spirituality.

Now, I know that that doesn't cover the entire waterfront, and that some of us have come to Unitarian Universalism for other reasons. You may have even come unwillingly, at least for the first few times, dragged here by your partner or spouse! But in all my conversations with UU's over the years, these three things - providing a grounding in faith for our kids, finding a community we can be a part of, and longing for more spiritual depth - are the primary reasons those who were not raised UU have sought out our tradition, and those who were have stayed with it.

Today I'll leave the first point - providing a faith foundation for our children - alone, mostly. Although I will say that whatever parents can do to ground themselves spiritually and to build fellowship with others in the church will indirectly benefit the children. After all, parents are, as one Unitarian Universalist curriculum says, the "resident theologians" of the household. But for the most part I want to focus today on you, and on the two yearnings that have brought most of you here: your longing for community and your search for spiritual depth and meaning. And I want to tell you how our Small Group Ministry program is tailor-made to satisfying those cravings.

Let's first look at our yearning for community, for a sense of belonging, for being part of something greater than ourselves. And what I'm not talking about here is mere membership in the church (although I would love to talk with any of you who are considering becoming members, so see me after the service). What I am talking about is our innate, inborn longing for belonging. We are, as human beings, social creatures. We cannot live alone, in isolation from one another. Even the most introverted among us needs meaningful contact with others. As you heard in the words of Dr. Howard Thurman this morning, "There is a persistent strain in the human spirit that rejects the experience of isolation as being alien to its genius…Community is the native climate of the human spirit. It is for this reason that we seem most our true selves when we are deeply involved in relations with other selves."^[1] Dr. Thurman believed that this longing for community is ultimately a longing for connection to God. He tells us that "God tends to be remote and far away when a desert and sea appear between me and another. I draw close to God as I draw close to my fellows."^[2]

Whether you consider your desire to be in relationship with others as a longing for connection to God or Spirit, or you simply feel the need to build bridges to others as a means of support, comfort and love, most of us would be hard-pressed to deny the truth of John Donne's assertion that "no one is an island, entire of itself. Every one is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." That's what the "interdependent web of all existence" is all about. Our longing, then, is the expression of our deep-seated need to experience - to touch and to feel and to sense in our soul - this ultimate reality of our existence, this condition of our humanity. It's one thing to think or believe that we're all connected; it's an entirely different matter to actually have the experience of connectedness. Despite the pervasiveness of social networking sites on the web (or perhaps because of it), it's easy to feel isolated and alone in our 21st century culture. We are not as connected to our neighbors, to our communities, or to the land as we were in earlier, simpler times. We spend hours each day, isolated in our cars and our cubicals. We lack, in our everyday lives, the opportunity to bond with neighbors over the back fence, or at the local market. Barn raisings, real and metaphoric, have gone the way of the buggy whip. For all our connectivity we've lost our connectedness. It's no surprise that our souls yearn for a place to reach out and to actually find a hand to hold onto.

And what of the other reason people come to our doors: their search for spiritual growth and development? Like their longing for intimacy, where in the world are people to find opportunities to stretch their souls? They're clearly out there: yoga classes; meditation workshops; walks in the woods; book groups. But for the most part the opportunities for spiritual enrichment that exist "out there" are isolated, individualized experiences that require great personal discipline to maintain, and that fail to meet our human need for connection. For a long time, Unitarian Universalist churches were not one of the places you would necessarily think to go when looking for building your relationship with Spirit. For a long span of years we were a movement that prized feeding the intellect over nourishing the soul. As a result of the Humanist movement of the mid-twentieth century, we were in serious jeopardy of becoming another Ethical Society, leaving matters of the Spirit to those we perceived as religious fanatics and anti-intellectuals. During those times, Unitarian Universalist congregations were viewed as a place we went to be challenged intellectually, where we were called to exercise the muscle between our ears, not the one that beats in our breasts.

Don't get me wrong. I cherish our historical roots, and our commitment to freedom, reason and tolerance, the three legs upon which Unitarianism has stood. And I hope that we continue to offer intellectual stimulation to those members who seek it. But we have learned that these principles - freedom, reason and tolerance - while necessary, are insufficient to successfully carry us through the minefields of our everyday lives in these post-modern times. We know now that, while science can explain how an egg and a sperm can join together and become a human being, it cannot tell us how life begins, what animates us from the start. And we must admit that our technological advancements have done as much to endanger the very existence of our planet and everything on it as they have to set us free. And so, we are left to wonder: Is there something more? Why are we here? Who am I and Whose am I? Is this all there is? And we seek a place that will support our wonderings. That will help us navigate our own personal and spiritual minefields. That will provide us with resources and opportunities and companions in our struggle to figure out what this thing called life is all about.

So, when we experience these two deep yearnings - meaningful connection with others and support as we wrestle with life's big questions, what some have called the search for both intimacy and ultimacy and what I am blending into a concept of "spiritual intimacy"-- we turn to the church, to our church, to this church. And what do we find when we get here? I hope we find a warm and welcoming home. I hope we find friendly faces who are glad to see us, who invite us into their lives. I hope we find love overflowing in abundance, virtually oozing out of the doors of the church and out of the pores of the people who populate it. I hope we find worship experiences that touch our heads and our hearts and our spirits. I hope that we find countless spiritual enrichment opportunities woven into the very fabric of our community. But I also know that sometimes this isn't the case and that this doesn't necessarily happen organically or automatically. During that dinner conversation I talked about earlier, another, unfortunate, thread I heard from several people described their initial experiences with Unitarian Universalist churches as less than warm and welcoming, or as what I would call "spiritually tepid." One person described how she had to "fight her way in," and that, without persistence and determination to break down barriers, she easily could have disappeared from here after her first couple of visits. And, unfortunately, that happens more than we'd like to admit. Rev. Glenn Turner, one of the early advocates for Small Group Ministry, once said famously of our Unitarian Universalist churches: "People come to our congregations seeking intimacy and spiritual growth. And we give them committee meetings and fund-raising functions." How's that for a stinging rebuke? And out of an awareness that we were neglecting these dual needs for intimacy and ultimacy, for spiritual intimacy, Small Group Ministry was born.

The Small Group concept was not invented in Unitarian Universalist churches; we have adopted and adapted it from our Christian brothers and sisters. For those who are unfamiliar with the program, let me give you a thumbnail sketch of what it is and how it works. A Small Group brings together anywhere between 6 and 12 people on a regular basis, either monthly or twice a month, depending on the group's preference. Each group is led by a trained facilitator. The members of each group create a covenant, or a set of promises that they make to each other, about how they will be with each other in the group. They agree on expectations about such things as attendance, listening, meeting process, and confidentiality. With its covenant in place, the group then meets at its appointed time for what I call a "semi-structured" conversation. Each meeting begins with a reading to set the tone or the topic of the session and then provides a time for members to "check in" with each other; to share the important events in each others' lives, perhaps to reveal a personal struggle or a joyful celebration. This part of the gathering is where the bonds of community, the intimacy, are formed and reinforced. After the check-in, the facilitator introduces the topic for discussion. The topic is usually chosen by the group at the end of the previous meeting, and the facilitator comes prepared with questions to stimulate the conversation. Topics can range from theologically meaty issues like "what happens to us after we die," to lighter subjects such as "what role does humor play in your life?" Members are invited to explore their understanding of each topic and to share them within the safe confines of their group. The topics, in one way or another, stimulate the members to examine their lives and their beliefs, and to learn and grow through sharing with each other. This is the piece that responds to our need for "ultimacy." Each meeting is concluded by another short reading. In addition to meeting to support each other and to explore meaningful questions together, each small group also engages in a service project that benefits the church or the wider community. The "ministry" part of small group thus happens both within the group, when members care deeply for each other, and beyond the group.

I have watched small groups in action for years now. And I can personally attest to their power. Their power to forge unbreakable bonds between individuals and their power to help people pursue the "soul work" that so many of us long for. While there is nothing magical about the formation or format of small groups, I have seen them work their magic on people. Time and again, I have stood witness to their life-saving power. Listen to the words of Jeannie Shatoff, and how her small group changed her life:

That, my friends, is a life-saving story if ever I've heard one. And it could be your story. Today marks the re-launch of our Small Group Ministry program. Marylin Huff, Joyce McKee and Jeannie Shatoff, our SGM Coordinators, have recruited nearly a dozen facilitators from within our membership who received training last month. Over the next several weeks you'll have an opportunity to sign up for a small group that fits within your life and that meets your need. There's a form in your order of service, and in a few moments you'll have a chance to fill it out and pass it in to our ushers. If you'd like to experience a small group in "short-form," we're holding a "drop-in" small group meeting after church next week and before church on the week after.

Connection and spiritual growth. Intimacy and ultimacy. Spiritual intimacy. No matter what you call it, that's what brings most of us here. And when we feel and experience it, it's what keeps us coming back, week after week, year after year. To sustain the spiritual search for truth and meaning in our lives, we must conduct that search within a community of love and support. I ask you to consider joining a small group. It just might be the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

(Before we sing our closing hymn, we'll allow those who choose to fill out the form in your order of service. Please pass it to the center aisle so that our ushers can collect it.)

Closing Words (Howard Thurman):

The great incentive remains ever alert; I cannot be at peace without God, and I cannot be truly aware of God if I am not at peace with my fellow human beings. For the sake of my unity with God, I keep working on my relations with my fellows. This is ever the insistence of all ethical religions.

^[1] Howard Thurman, "Man Cannot Be Indifferent to Men," from Meditations of the Heart, 121-22.
^[2] Ibid.

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